The High Gallery

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6  miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45  Degrees." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f..ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I  was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy,   your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,    Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always <> wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked! , "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for  a priority landing because his single-engine jet  fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number  two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.  "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven  engine approach."

How to tell you have a Redneck Pilot

Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.

Your toothpick keeps poking your mic.

You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.

You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.

You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.

You refer to flying in formation as "We got us a convoy".

You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side.

You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.

You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from the
landing gear.

You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.

You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been
flying for years.

There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".

There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco
stains on the left.

You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.

You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.

You fly to family reunions to meet girls.

You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.

You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.

There are grass stains on your propeller tips.

The spittoon is wedged between the rudder pedals

Just before impact, you're heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

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New 04/01/05

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